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While I was in India, a friend of ours killed herself.  We weren’t close friends, but still friends.  Her husband used to tell us that we were his favorite couple, and I’d tell them they were pretty much couple goals.  

I had a huge girl crush on her.  She reminded me a lot of Tegan Quin (physically).  She was really funny and always had something outrageous to say.  She was an artist and their walls were covered in her canvases.  The first time I met her was at Aloha Tower, at a rave.  I saw my boyfriend talking to her and at first, I was like “who is that girl?!” but when she turned around my heart jumped out of my chest.  A few weeks later we went to their house for a party.  

She was like me in that we both suffered from anxiety disorders and depression.  She had a few other things that I didn’t have on top of those things.  Once when I was having a hard time, she told me that she had recently gotten into Buddhist meditation and that it really helped her.  Reciting mantras would calm her.  I never tried it.  

She killed herself a few weeks after Diwali.  A few weeks after the holiday she messaged me and asked if I could buy her prayer beads from India and that she’d pay me back.  I said she didn’t need to.  I bought her saffron beads from Majnu ka Tila.  Less than a week later I woke up to messages (Hawaii and Delhi are 15.5 hours apart) telling me she’d killed herself.  It felt surreal because just a few days before, she had asked me for those beads, and the beads I purchased for her were sitting right on my nightstand.  I had to go to class that day and I felt fine all day, but when I came home I reread the messages and just cried on the edge of my bed. The sense of loss I felt didn’t feel justified, and my other friend just told me that a loss of anyone you like feels that way.  Especially in the way it happened with her.  

We weren’t that close but it still hit me really hard.  She was a really great person, but I know too that unhappy people are often times really outgoing and funny.  All of my friends who tried to kill themselevs are like that.  They laugh a lot and make a lot of jokes, they never take things seriously, they’re extremely witty.  I’m like that and I wanted to kill myself for a long time.  

She passed away in November.  Her birthday was last week and her husband posted a photo of a birthday cake for her on instagram and it made me feel sad again.  It’s hard to articulate how seeing photos of her feels.  Her funeral was very her.  At the door you were greeted by a life-size cutout of her scrunching her face and posing funny, and each person, along with a program, received a cutout of her face as a mask.  The videos looping throughout her service were of her dancing or irritating her pets, but mostly dancing.  That’s the hardest I’ve cried at a funeral, but it’s also the most I’ve ever laughed at one.  She was really beautiful both inside and out.  

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