I am happy, but just not with myself and I know it takes a toll on our relationship. After a year of being together I admitted I had an eating disorder and said I had gotten over it. I lied and it went on for another year and a half. I know you love me and everything about me from my head down to my toes, but it isn’t that easy after years of feeling ugly and fat at the hands of your peers. One person, no matter how much you love them, cannot fix it so quickly.
I’ve come to a point where I have been humoring the thought of ending our relationship to see if I can find happiness elsewhere. By “happiness” I mean with myself. I know the environment we’re in and the things I associate with you only fuel my negative feelings and emotions and I know it would weaken if I were no longer with you. But I also very badly want for us to work because I know we’re very good together. We’re very happy. I’m happy with with you — just not myself. I want you to understand this so badly. You’ve done nothing wrong…it’s just that something in my head isn’t clicking.
My cousins are all much stronger, unless they’re just as good at hiding their weaknesses as I am. They’re so no-nonsense and they always know what they deserve. I wish I were half as strong. I know what would be best, but what would be best does not — of course — match up with what I want…that being a future with you. I know how much you love me, but I fee so lost sometimes. You get upset when I bring up incidences from the past and tell me we’re getting nowhere with the conversation we’ve been having for two years. But it’s because you won’t budge, you don’t try to understand. I try to explain and you think I’m trying to get attention out of it. I’m just trying to explain. I want to be happy but we’re both so stubborn and no matter what, we’re both always right in our own right.
I’m always either really happy or really unhappy. The only time I’m ever really neutral is probably when I’m in school because I’m focused on taking notes…but even there, I sometimes get so upset my hands shake and I can’t take notes or focus.
It’s a given that my first “real” relationship will throw situations at me that I won’t know how to handle but I never expected it to be this hard. You cheat on me, I leave you. You don’t, we’re fine. But there are so many shades of gray and you’ve fallen in that gray area a few times, and I just didn’t know what to do.
Every time we fight, I become more and more exhausted and it’s energy I never get back. It’s emotions I stop trying to put in words, thoughts I stop trying to convey. At times, I feel like I’m walking on egg shells around you. I can’t question anything or you’ll stop talking and tell me we’re having the same conversation for the umpteenth time.
But you are right, and I am my own worst enemy, especially left alone to my thoughts. That was almost verbatim. I wish I could remedy it, be happy and content.